


Scattered Echoes

by finereluctance



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-26 10:59:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finereluctance/pseuds/finereluctance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As he watches fiendfyre destroy the last of his friends, Remus realizes he is truly alone.</p><p>Written for dogdaysofsummer 2009.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Remus stood in the town square of Godric’s Hollow, staring on in horror at the sight before him. The Death Eaters had conjured a blaze of fiendfyre before disapperating, which had consequently engulfed the stone memorial for Lily and James Potter, leaving Remus to look on helplessly as the stone began to melt and disintegrate under the strain of dark magic. 

He rubbed angrily at the hot tears that burned his eyes.

“Remus!” Tonks yelled at him from somewhere off to his right. “We have to go!”

Four loud cracks echoed in the square, informing Remus that the rest of the Order had disapperated, leaving him alone as the fire continued to burn out of control. He could see dragons and serpents in the flames, attacking and eating the stone as if they were real creatures devouring his friends.

The fiendfyre made short work of the monument before it faded into the night when the last stone crumbled. Hot ash blew in the evening breeze, scorching his skin and robes, but he didn’t notice.

Unable to support himself any longer, the werewolf fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands, giving in to the tears that he had held at bay for sixteen years.


	2. Chapter 2

_“Moony?” Sirius’ voice is uncharacteristically soft. Remus could tell there is another emotion hidden in the simple question, though he is unable to identify it right away._

_“Yeah, Pads?” Remus replied, swimming in lazy circles around the larger boy. “What is it?”_

_“There aren’t any…” Sirius trailed off. Remus stopped swimming to study him._

_“Any what?” the young werewolf prompted. He unconsciously moved closer to his friend, leaving only mere inches between their bare, wet chests._

_“There aren’t any sharks in here, right?” Sirus whispered uncertainly, his eyes quickly glancing around him as if the question would summon a horde of angry creatures to attack the unsuspecting swimmers._

_Remus burst into amused laughter and pushed away from the other boy to float on his back. “No, Sirius,” he replied between peals of laughter. “Sharks are saltwater creatures that live in the ocean. We’re in a fresh water lake. You have as much a chance of seeing a shark here as you do of seeing Severus Snape do the hustle in a lime green leisure suit.”_

_He raised his eyebrows in a way that always reminded Remus of Sirius’ pureblood upbringing, before he replied, “I don’t know what that means.”_


	3. Chapter 3

_Walking around in our summertime clothes,_  
 _Nowhere to go while our bodies glow_  
 _And we'll greet the dawn in its morning blues_  
 _With purple yawn, you'll be sleeping soon _  
 _And I want to walk around with you_ __

_***_

_“Sirius?” Moony whispered into the darkness, his eyes focused outward where the waves crashed onto the shore._

_“Hmm?” Sirius replied just as softly, watching as the waves flashed green from what Remus had called ‘Red Tide.’_

_“Fancy a walk?”_

_Sirius grinned at his friend. “After you,” he replied as he put his hand on Remus’ back and shoved him off the lifeguard tower._

_“Bloody hell!” Moony moaned from the sand below, his words almost drowned out by Sirius’ laughter._

_“Get down here, you tosser!” Remus said when he stood up and brushed the sand from his bare knees, grabbing for Sirius’ swinging legs and hauling him off as well._

_Sirius’ laughter was cut short as he fell on top of Remus, pinning the smaller man against the sand._

_“Hi,” Sirius smiled down at his friend._

_“Hi,” Remus replied from his position beneath Sirius. He was a warm, welcome weight, and Remus tensed when he realized the position they were in. It was not a position that friends usually found themselves in._

_Remus’ thoughts were quickly cut off when Sirius captured his lips in a gentle kiss. He responded immediately, opening his mouth to the man above him and welcoming him to explore. Hands roamed freely as the kiss continued, running over swim trunks and under t-shirts, trying to get as close to the other as possible._

_The pair got lost in each other, losing track of time as they rolled in the damp sand, until the darkness began to fade into the light blue of dawn. They broke apart, both panting for breath as they watched the other for any sign of awkwardness. There were none._

_Sirius broke the comfortable stillness by burying his head against Remus’ collarbone to stifle a yawn._

_“You owe me a walk,” Remus teased.  
_


	4. Chapter 4

_  
Sirius kept his head down while Remus paid for a Muggle newspaper from the stand on the street corner, his eyes scanning the titles of the unfamiliar publications quickly as he shifted from foot to foot, anxious to get out of the streets and back to the relative safety of their flat._

_“Oh, she would,” he muttered darkly, catching sight of a pair of familiar blue eyes staring up at him, unmoving, from one of the many glossy covers._

_“Who would what?” Remus hissed as he waited for his change. He glanced around, looking for any sign of trouble in the Muggle street, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary._

_“My cousin, Diana, is pawning herself off as Muggle royalty,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Apparently she just married the Muggle prince.”_

_“What?!” Remus choked on the breath he had attempted to inhale. Diana getting married was the last bit of news he’d ever expected to hear, and to a Muggle, no less. “Isn’t she the one who is always going off about Muggle-borns being inferior, and the purity of blood, and all that load of drivel?”_

_“They all do that,” Sirius agreed. “But yes, you’re thinking of the right one.”_

_“What’s she doing marrying the Muggle prince, then?” Remus was curious. He took his change and pulled gently on Sirius’ arm as they quickly made their way home._

_“Dunno,” Sirius replied truthfully. “But I’d be willing to bet ten galleons he won’t live to see the end of the week.”  
_


	5. Chapter 5

***

_Remus unlocked the door with trepidation. There were no lights on, even though the sun had been down for over an hour, and his senses were on high alert._

_Since getting out of Azkaban, Sirius had an overwhelming need for lights to be blazing. It helped keep the nightmares at bay, Remus knew, so he had gotten used to every light in the flat being turned on as soon as the sun began to set._

_But tonight, the windows were dark and silent._

_“Padfoot?” Remus whispered softly. The wards hadn’t been tripped or tampered with, Remus noted, causing his worry to increase tenfold at the foreboding feeling hanging in the air._

_With his wand out and fully alert to even the slightest movement he made his way through the apartment in search of Sirius. The front room was clean and empty, as were the hallway, bedroom, and bathroom._

_“Padfoot?” Remus called again, louder this time, and unable to hide the mild panic that was beginning to set in. Where was he? It wasn’t a large flat, nor was there any reason he would have left. Cautiously he walked back to the kitchen, the only room he hadn’t checked._

_He inhaled sharply at the sight before him._

_Sirius was on the floor with his knees drawn up against his chest, leaning against the side of the Muggle icebox. His eyes were closed tightly and his face was buried against his bony knees. His body shook uncontrollably._

_Remus’ heart wrenched when he realized the shaking was due to sobbing. The other man let out a sob that sounded like a wounded animal, which Remus knew it probably was, and it spurred him forward._

_He knelt in front of Sirius and drew him into a warm embrace, wrapping his arms delicately around the still trembling form of his best friend and lover._

_Sirius clung to him like a man drowning in the middle of the ocean, letting go of his own knees in order to wrap his impossibly thin limbs around Remus and hold on as tightly as he could. His face was buried into Remus neck, his tears dampening the collar of the werewolf’s shabby robes._

_“I’m here, Pads,” Remus whispered near his ear, one arm wrapped around the broken man and the other in his tangled hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”_

_Sirius shook harder at the words, his grip tightening on Remus, causing the slender man to squeeze Sirius close against his body._

_“I’m not,” Remus repeated, unsure which of them he was trying to convince._

_“I know,” Sirius mouthed silently against his neck between gasps for breath. “I trust you.”_

_As they continued to hold each other late into the night, Remus began to wonder if he had imagined Sirius’ words. It wouldn’t be the first time._


	6. Chapter 3

_So we are taking off our masks, are we, and keeping  
our mouths shut? as if we'd been pierced by a glance!_

***

On his knees in the street, Remus shivered uncontrollably from memories that had nothing to do with the humid night.

***

_“I can’t do it,” Sirius told James quietly. “You have to choose someone else.”_

_“You’re my best mate,” James was confused. “I trust you with my life.”_

_“And every death eater in the country knows that,” Sirius tried to convince him. “If they want to get to you, they know they can get to you through me. They’ll never expect you to use someone else.”_

_“I guess,” James was hesitant. “Is that the only reason?”_

_It wasn’t, but if Sirius was to admit that there was another reason, he would have to finally admit that he had suspicions about his lover. Suspicions he had been trying to ignore for the better part of three months._

_He would have to admit that something had changed in Remus, something he couldn’t put his finger on. Something dark that caused his trust to waver for the first time since they met when they were eleven years old. But so long as his doubts remained unspoken, then he could pretend they weren’t actually there, couldn’t he?_

_“It would just be safer this way,” is all he said._


	7. Chapter 7

***

_“Merlin ,” Sirius moaned, collapsing onto the bed next to his lover and closing his eyes._

_Remus opened his eyes just the slightest bit to look at the boy next to him. “Merlin isn’t here.”_

_“You…” Sirius’ retort was cut off by a yawn. “You know what I mean.” He reached for Remus’ hand where it was hanging off the bed and entwined their fingers._

_“I really don’t,” Remus teased. “But you always have trouble mistaking me for Merlin, so I’ll have to forgive you.”_

_Sirius opened his eyes in narrow slits to keep the morning sun out. “What are you talking about?” he asked. “You’re my Moony.”_

_A cheeky grin danced across Remus’ face before he spoke again. In a too-high voice, Remus mocked him, “Oh! Merlin! You’re SO good!”_

_Remus managed to duck the flying pillow by rolling on top of his partner, continuing his impression of Sirius, “You’re still so tight! I’ll never get tired of this.”_

_Sirius tried to hide the blush that was quickly spreading to his ears, but it was impossible to stop the radiating heat when Remus was on top of him, especially when his mouth was so close…_

_“Merlin! Good gods,” Remus taunted, grinding his hips against Sirius’ and forcing the man out of his embarrassed daze._

_Sweat-soaked skin slid easily together as Sirius thrust his hips up to meet Remus’ cock, their bodies falling into a well-practiced rhythm of thrusts and grinding._

_“Mer—“_

_Sirius cut off the impending mocking by pulling Remus into a searing kiss, thoroughly distracting him as they continued to thrust against each other. Remus’ lips moved to his lover’s neck, sucking on the sensitive spot just behind his ear, until he got the response he was waiting for._

_“Mooooonnyyyy,” Sirius groaned in the quiet room. “Gods, Moony.” The name fell like a mantra from his lips as Remus entered him in one swift thrust._

_Frantic thrusting and words mixed with moans drew them closer to the edge, until Sirius finally cried out, “Remus!” and hot cum spilled onto his belly._

_Remus collapsed onto the bed a moment later, his eyes closed from exhaustion, “Merlin…”_

_Sirius tried to thump him on the head, but his arm seemed too heavy. Instead, he threaded his fingers in the fine hairs at the base of Moony’s neck, massaging gently as sleep overtook them both._


	8. Chapter 8

***

_Remus pushed the door open and entered the apartment, stopping before he had taken a full step inside. The small hairs on the back of his neck stood on end while he sniffed the air cautiously._

_“Sirius?” he called. “Are you in the kitchen?”_

_“Sure am!” Sirius called happily._

_Sirius sounded happy. Sirius was in the kitchen. There was a smell hanging over the flat that Remus could not identify. This was not going to turn out well, Remus thought to himself. Sirius was a nuisance in the kitchen. Especially in a Muggle kitchen. He couldn’t boil water without setting it on fire, and yet he was in there doing Merlin-knows-what._

_Remus closed the door behind himself and made his way across the front room, terrified to see the disaster that used to be his kitchen. He stopped at the doorway in shock, staring at the scene in front of him._

_Sirius was wearing a green apron that read ‘Kiss the cook’ in large white letters, his hair was plastered to his face from sweat, and the kitchen was clean. The dishes in the sink were currently washing themselves, there was not a spot of food or flour anywhere to bee seen, and cooling in the center of the table was a Peach and Crème Fraîche Tart, Remus’ favorite dessert._

_“Happy Birthday, Moony,” Sirius grinned, approaching the doorway._

_“What—how—when…” Remus stuttered, his eyes moving back and forth between Sirius and the tart._

_“Do you remember fourth year, when we went to your parents’ house for the Easter holidays?” Sirius asked, his voice low and seductive._

_“Vaguely,” Remus replied, his shock limiting him to one word responses. He did, in fact, remember that holiday, because Sirius had gotten upset over the cave Remus had used for his transformations as a child. That was when Sirius had sworn to visit during his summer transformations from then on, a promise he had kept until he was imprisoned._

_“The night before your birthday, your mom taught me how to make your birthday pie,” Sirius explained, pinning Remus to the doorframe with his hips._

_“Oh,” Remus whispered, his eyes fixated on Sirius’ mouth._

_“When I was in Azkaban,” Sirius’ voice dropped lower so Remus had to struggle to hear him. “I used to go through the recipe in my head. Repeating the list of ingredients and directions over and over, it was distracting,” he continued. “I couldn’t forget it now, even if I wanted to.”_

_“Oh,” was all Remus was able to say before he kissed Sirius. Leaving the tart completely forgotten on the table, he pushed Sirius towards the sofa, intent of collecting the rest of his birthday present._


	9. Chapter 9

_“That bloke looks a lot like you did when we were younger,” Remus announced, his eyes glued to the small Muggle television while his hand gently stroked Sirius’ long hair._

_Sirius and Remus were curled up together on a shabby sofa in the living room of their tiny Muggle flat, as they had been every Friday night for the last year. They couldn’t go anywhere, even if they had wanted to, so they made the best of their nights and watched a lot of television. Tonight’s double feature: Much Ado About Nothing and Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead._

_Sirius’ attention broke away from the screen to look at his partner. Distress was written across his features. “Really?” his voice cracked with uncertainty and curiosity._

_Remus gave Sirius his own look of curiosity and disbelief at the question. “Yes,” the confused expression never left Remus’ face. It wasn’t like Sirius to be so insecure. “Why? Don’t you think he’s attractive?”_

_“I guess,” Sirius mumbled, breaking eye contact in order to burrow his face into the werewolf’s neck._

_“Pads,” Remus whispered, softer now, but his voice filled with concern. He pulled gently at Sirius’ hair, trying and failing to get the other man to look up at him. “What is it?”_

_“Idonmembertha,” the words were muffled against his skin and he tried to decipher them._

_“You don’t remember what?” Remus tried. One hand dropped to rub small circles in the small of Sirius’ thin back._

_Sirius pulled away just enough to whisper, “I don’t remember what I looked like back then.”_

_Remus was speechless, unsure how to react to his lover’s admission. Azkaban had been rough on him, of that Remus was sure, but Sirius did his best to hide it. Sometimes, if he didn’t look at Sirius’ emaciated and abused body, he could forget that twelve dark years had passed. He could pretend they were still teenagers, spending a summer night curled together in his mum’s living room, until his fingers touched bone where strong muscle should have been, and the illusion was shattered._

_They took comfort in the silence together. They clutched each other tightly, as if the other would disappear the moment their grip lessened, neither worrying about the bruises that would appear in the morning._

_As they lay together, the movie continued to play unnoticed in the background._

_“You've forgotten.”_

_“I haven't forgotten -- how I used to remember my own name-- and yours, oh, yes! There were answers everywhere you looked. There was no question about it-- people knew who we were and if they didn't they asked and I told them.”_


	10. Chapter 10

_It should have struck Remus as odd that the most serious conversation he ever had with Sirius began with a red umbrella, but it didn’t, because that was just the way they were._

_“What is it?” Sirius had asked, his nose plastered to the rain-soaked window of the flat, where he could just barely make out a broken, red object lying forgotten on the street below._

_“It’s an umbrella,” Remus replied, leaving the window to prepare a pot of tea._

_“Yes, yes,” Sirius agreed without really understanding, “But what’s it for?”_

_The whine caused Remus to smile, reminding him that even in the dark times of war, there were still simple moments such as this._

_“Muggles use it to stay dry in the rain,” he tried to explain. “It protects them from the worst of it, at least.”_

_“It protects them?” Sirius did not sound convinced. “It looks like a piece of cloth on some wire. How is that supposed to protect anyone?”_

_“Not everyone can afford the type of protection you favor,” Remus snapped. “Especially not Muggles. And most wizards can’t even understand the Fidelius Charm, much less know how to use it.” His words were laced with uncharacteristic anger and annoyance; however, he did not attempt to apologize or explain it away._

_Sirius pulled his face away from the window, the damp skin stinging from where it had been torn from the cold touch of the glass, to stare into the kitchen. He could tell Remus was upset, but wasn’t clear was why. They had been talking about a Muggle umbrella, for Merlin’s sake. “You know what type of protection I like,” he tried making a joke to lift the mood, “and I’m not talking about those flimsy rubber Muggle contraptions.”_

_“Sirius, be serious for once, would you?” Remus all but shouted. The sound of breaking glass was quickly followed by a muttered, “Fuck!” from the kitchen._

_“Everything alright, Moony?” Sirius asked, making his way to the kitchen doorway. His concern squashed the retort he was planning to make._

_“Just fine,” Remus mumbled, spelling the mug back together and sinking to the floor to lean against the cabinets._

_“What is this really about?” Sirius spoke softly, dropping down to sit next to Remus and situating himself so their legs were in contact from hip to ankle._

_“Protection,” Remus replied simply. “It’s a war out there, Sirius. And one of these days, you might not come home to me.”_

_Sirius reached for Remus’ face and turned it so they were looking at each other. “I worry about you, too, you know,” he admitted, placing a gentle kiss on his lover’s forehead. “Your missions are much more dangerous than mine.”_

_“You don’t know that,” Remus whispered, closing his eyes at the brush of lips on his skin. “We don’t talk about our missions.”_

_“Then let’s talk about protection,” Sirius suggested, his thumbs tracing over the contours of Remus’ face, mapping it and etching it forever into his memory._

_“That’s still not funny,” Remus muttered, attempting to pull away from Sirius’ hands while his body screamed to get closer to the touch._

_“I’m serious,” he replied. “There’s a few things you need to know.”_

_Remus relaxed again at the words, allowing Sirius to continue his exploration. “What are you talking about?” he asked curiously._

_“Vault 447 at Gringott’s, for one,” Sirius replied. “If something were to happen to me, your name is on the account, too. It will be yours.”_

_“Sirius,” Remus began to interrupt, only to be silenced by Sirius’ fingers on his lips._

_“There is also a safety deposit box at the Muggle bank down the street. That box has all the documentation for this flat and the other land holdings we have,” he continued. “This flat is yours, and it is completely paid off. All you’ll have to worry about is paying the utilities.”_

_“I don’t want—“ Remus tried again, this time silenced by Sirius’ thumb sliding into his mouth. Remus reflexively began to suck lightly, circling the digit with his tongue and letting out a soft moan._

_“Remus,” he tried to continue, his voice hitching from the sensations surrounding his thumb. “I want you to promise me that you’ll use what I left you, and you won’t go back to living the way you were right after Hogwarts.”_

_Remus, though he had no intention of ever using Sirius’ money, knew the only way to end the conversation and move onto much more pleasant sensations was to agree. “Yes, Sirius,” he mumbled around the finger, sucking it deeper into his mouth. “Now, how about we talk about that other protection you’re so fond of?”_

_If he had been paying more attention that day, he would have seen what Sirius was trying to do. He could have understood what was being said. He should have stopped Sirius from sacrificing himself. Would have, could have, should have._

 

***

 

“Protection,” Remus scoffed, rubbing his eyes raw. “Fat load of good that did for me.”

 

Lost in his melancholy and unable to think clearly, Remus did not notice two masked men returning to the town square with their wands drawn.

***


	11. Chapter 11

_“I promised you I’d take you to the place of your namesake one day,” Sirius whispered, pinning Remus against a dirty stucco wall in a damp, narrow alley. “You can’t say I back out of my promises.”_

_“Never,” Remus keened in reply, leaning his head further to one side to allow his lover better access to the smooth skin of his neck._

_“But there’s one more stop I want to make before it gets too dark,” he continued, tugging at long, dark hair that had finally regained the shine and strength it had before twelve years spent in Azkaban._

_“We can go tomorrow,” Sirius whispered seductively against the thinner man’s ear. He tugged on the earlobe gently with his teeth, doing his best to persuade his lover to go back to the inn right then._

_“No,” Remus said firmly and pulled harder until Sirius’ lips left his skin. “We have to see it today. You’ll even like it, I promise.”_

_“What is it, another boring church of historical importance?” Sirius whined._

_Remus knew it wasn’t the first time Sirius was regretting agreeing to take this trip. In general, though, he had been willing to follow Remus around the city with very little complaint, and Remus made a mental note to make it up to him when they got back to the inn._

_“This one is quite fascinating,” Remus grinned at him, taking his hand as they continued to make there way down the narrow streets and alley ways of Rome. “It’s where St. Lawrence was martyred.”_

_“Oh great, another story about a dead guy. Whoever said Muggles were innocent and should be protected definitely didn’t know about the ridiculous ways they killed people.”_

_“St. Lawrence is my favorite saint, you know,” Remus commented off-handedly as the narrow alley opened up into a small, but open, piazza. On the opposite side of the square stood a wall of white stucco that was graying with age; two staircases led halfway up the wall to a grand entrance, which is what Remus was dragging Sirius towards while Sirius put up a mild struggle just for appearances._

_“So why is this one so important?” Sirius asked once inside, looking around the small church. It looked like the last twenty or so they had visited, only this one was smaller and was virtually empty._

_“Because St. Lawrence died here,” Remus rolled his eyes at his uninformed lover. “Now shut up so I can tell you the story.”_

_“Yes, Moony,” Sirius replied sarcastically, though he had enough sense to look properly chastised._

_Remus led him to the high alter, which portrayed a twelve foot tall image of a man being roasted over an open fire. “Lawrence was one of the deacons of Rome, who was responsible for cataloging and archiving the Church’s possessions and inventory,” Remus explained, choosing to ignore Sirius in favor of examining the painting. He pointed at the gridiron encased below the altar before continuing, “After the pope died, the emperor was able to have him executed by burning him to death.”_

_“Bloody hell!” Sirius exclaimed next to him. “And why is he your favorite?”_

_“Besides being the patron saint of librarians and archivists,” Remus grinned at his friend, “he is also the patron saint of comedians.”_

_“Why’s that?” a look of bewilderment was firmly in place on Sirius’ face. Remus had the lingering thought of ‘dumb dog’ on his mind, but pushed it aside to tell the best part of the story._

_“Because when they were roasting him alive, he said, ‘This side’s done. Turn me over and have a bite.’”_

_Sirius’ bellowing laughter echoed in the church, the knowledge that he caused it warmed Remus to the very tips of his toes. He joined in the laughter until there were tears in their eyes and they could barely stand upright._

_When their amusement finally subsided and they began to make their way out of the church, Sirius asked curiously, “So why was it so important to see this one today? Not that I’m complaining or anything,” he added quickly._

_“Because today is the feast day of St. Lawrence,” Remus explained, stopping to wrap his arms tightly around Sirius’ shoulders. He placed a chaste kiss on Sirius’ cheek before moving to whisper in his ear, “And after we go back to the inn so I can fuck you into the mattress, I have a surprise for you later tonight.”  
_

***


	12. Chapter 12

_The room was quiet, the sound punctuated only by steady breathing and the gentle hum of the television where the film had long-since ended._

 

_“What do you remember?” Remus asked finally._

 

_Sirius pulled his face away from Remus’ shirt, turning so that his ear rested just above his lover’s heart, his eyes still closed against the overbearing brightness in the room. “That afternoon,” he whispered after another few moments of silence. “When we went down to the train yard. Just you and me, because Peter was grounded and James was away somewhere.”_

 

_Remus bit the inside of his lip to repress a smile._

 

_“It was the day before the full moon,” he continued. “Which is why we spray painted our names on the trains… you were always more open to causing trouble on the day of the full moon. Less stingy about getting detention or grounded.” His voice was thick with pain and hurt._

 

_Remus did not understand Sirius’ tone, but he continued to soothingly stroke the long, dark hair spread across his chest._

 

_“I thought we were having a good time,” his voice cracked. “But every time we got close enough to touch, you jerked away. Even our hands, Moony,” Sirius had given up trying to hide how he was feeling. “You couldn’t even touch my **hand**.”_

 

_Remus could feel his heart sinking into his stomach. That was not the memory he had of the day spent causing trouble in the train yard, but maybe his memories were wrong. Maybe he had fooled himself into remembering things the way they should have been, with shocks of electricity coursing through their veins anytime their bodies were within inches of contact. Maybe he had imagined standing by the canal and wishing for Sirius to kiss him, while Sirius had given him that look of pure hunger and lust. Maybe he had imagined it all._

 

_“I would have done anything for you that day,” Sirius whispered, almost inaudibly. “All you had to do was ask. But you didn’t want anything to do with me.”_

 

_“Sirius—” he whispered just as softly._

 

_The broken-hearted man whimpered and continued to speak as if Remus wasn’t even there. “I nicked your tie that day… wore it around the house and at school… you never noticed. I never went near another train after that.”_

 

_Remus tightened his hold on the other man, his heart shattering as Sirius continued to speak almost incoherently.Memory after memory, moment after moment, spun and twisted to only reveal the hurt of rejection and the pain of loneliness._

 

_“All I wanted was you, Moony,” he sobbed into the well-worn flannel of Remus’ shirt. “I promised you I’d take you toRome, and I couldn’t even do that. It’s no wonder you never wanted me.”_

 

_This is what twelve years in Azkaban had left them: one man doubting the validity of his own memories, while the truthfulness of memories was ripped away from the grasping hand of the other._

***


	13. Chapter 13

_A lanky teenage boy of about sixteen was sprawled out on the floor of his parents’ home on a hot summer afternoon with a large, dusty looking tome and a glass of lemonade. His sandy brown hair was sticking to his forehead from perspiration, but even the heat of the summer was not enough to get him to remove his shirt, even in the privacy of his own home._

 

_A car honking outside the house startled Remus from his musings, and he realized he had been reading the same sentence over and over for the last thirty minutes. After drinking the last of his lemonade he peeled himself from the cool wood floors to go to the kitchen for a refill._

 

_The car horn sounded three times in quick succession, and he wondered why someone would be this far out of town, honking in front of his house. **‘Oh!’**  he realized suddenly.  **Someone is out there.**_

 

_Someone might have been in the drive honking their horn, but Remus could not even begin to fathom who it could be.No one who would want to have anything to do with him owned a car, and no one with a car would want to interact with him. Especially not by honking their horn and expecting him to come outside. Unless it was that group of boys who always threw eggs at him when he went into town; they were probably about the age that one of them would have a car._

 

_He apprehensively pulled the kitchen curtain aside to peer through the window at whoever was outside. His anxiety faded almost immediately, when he recognized the shoulder-length black hair on the handsome boy sitting behind the wheel of what used to be a candy apple red Chevy convertible, though now it was more of a faded, dusty red. Leaving his glass by the sink, he left the house barefoot, curious to find out what Sirius Black was doing there on a hot July afternoon._

 

_The top was down and Sirius was dressed in a tight white t-shirt and Muggle jeans, his head tipped back against the seat with his eyes closed as he basked in the sun._

 

_Remus circled the car appreciatively, trying to pretend he wasn’t eyeing Sirius as he inspected the vehicle._

 

_“Like what you see, Moonface?” Sirius asked, refusing to open his eyes._

 

_“That’s Old Man Anderson’s car,” Remus pointed out, ignoring the blatant innuendo. “Does he know you stole it?”_

 

_“Ah, but it’s not stealing if I have the intention to return it when I’m finished,” Sirius replied immediately, finally opening his eyes when a large object moved between his face and the sun. He blinked up at Remus where he was silhouetted against the bright sun, trying to make out his friend’s features. “Get in, Moony. We’re going on a trip.”_

 

_Remus sighed good-naturedly as he walked around to the passenger side. “You know he’s going to have my hide when he finds out you have it.”_

 

_“Then we might as well have fun with it before that happens,” Sirius argued. “So get in.”_

 

_With a roll of his eyes he slid onto the hot leather of the bench seat, infinitely glad he was wearing jeans rather than shorts. “Where are we going, then?”_

 

_“You’ll see,” Sirius announced mysteriously, noticing Remus’ bare feet and surprising lack of resistance._

 

_In a comfortable silence they pulled out of the driveway and onto the main road heading out of town and away from Old Man Anderson. Unable to take silence for very long, Sirius finally spoke up, “How has your summer been?”_

 

_“Quiet,” Remus replied pointedly. It was nearly four weeks into the summer, and he had heard neither hide nor hair of his best friends in that time. He hadn’t seen them since they had gotten off the Hogwarts Express in London, and while it had angered and hurt him initially, he tried to brush it off with feigned indifference._

 

_“Oh,” Sirius replied simply. “I figured you and that Wembly bloke would be spending time together.”_

 

_“Who?” Remus asked, immediately confused by Sirius’ statement and slumped shoulders._

 

_“Peter said you were seeing some bloke named Wembly towards the end of the term,” Sirius couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice. “Why didn’t you tell me? You’re my best mate.”_

 

_“No, James is your best mate,” Remus corrected, shifting his gaze back to the road. “And the bloke’s name was Winston, though I wasn’t seeing him and I don’t know where Peter got that information.”_

 

_“Oh,” Sirius said again._

 

_An awkward silence settled over the car, leaving both boys deep in thought._

 

_“Is that why you haven’t answered my owls all summer?” Remus asked finally._

 

_“Sort of,” Sirius admitted. “I didn’t want to mess anything up for you, like I did before…” he trailed off._

 

_Remus heard the unspoken portion of Sirius’ statement, forcing his lips to draw tightly together in a thin line. **I didn’t want him to think I was trying to steal you for myself, like the others did.**_

 

_“I wish he would have thought that…” Remus mumbled, staring off into the distance once again. It was then that Remus realized they were entering the low range of hills that led to the lake._

 

_Sirius did not reply and Remus almost thought that he hadn’t heard, until he glanced over and saw the confusion in Sirius’ expressive eyes._

 

_“Are we going to the lake?” he asked suddenly, glad to have a chance of topic._

 

_“Yes,” Sirius answered off-handedly, obviously distracted as he tried to focus on the twisted road in front of him. “Did you not like Winston?” he brought the conversation back, unspoken questions hanging in a delicate balance between them as they moved into uncharted territory._

 

_Remus and Sirius had always been affectionate. They always sat right up next to each other, their hugs lingered longer than that of normal friends, they kissed hello and good bye and good night and any other time they felt like it, and they were known to share a bed at least once or twice a week during the school year. Sirius claimed to be straight and chased everything with boobs, while Remus was openly gay among his friends and had attempted to date, though he had very little success. His secrets and his questionable relationship with his best friend always sent a potential interest running for the hills._

 

_While they were physically affectionate, neither of them talked about their romantic interests, at least not with each other. Remus was reluctant to now, especially given how his involvement with Winston had gone. If he told Sirius what had really happened, that he had been so excited for his date with the seventh-year Ravenclaw, but “date” turned out to be the older boy’s euphemism for shoving Remus up against the wall in a deserted 7 th floor corridor and fucking him until he bled from his previously untouched hole and then leaving him almost unconscious on the cold stone floor with his pants around his ankles, Sirius would hunt the boy down and murder him. Of that, Remus had no doubt. Even now, nearly a month later, Remus shifted uncomfortably at the mention of his name._

 

_“He didn’t particularly like me,” Remus replied softly, refusing to meet Sirius’ gaze, even after the car stopped on the rocky sand of the shore._

 

_“How could someone not like you,” Sirius asked, reaching out to stroke his hand over the other boy’s cheek. “Anyone would be lucky to have you.”_

 

_Remus shuddered at the touch and pushed open the door of the car, scrambling to get out and get away from Sirius.He walked purposefully away from the car until he found a tree and a patch of shade. He slid down the trunk until he was seated with his shirt bunched up behind him, allowing for the breeze off the water to cool his flushed skin._

 

_Sirius followed at a safe distance, unsure what just happened, but unwilling to let it determine the mood for the day. “I don’t know about you,” he announced, drawing Remus’ attention from where he sat under a tree, “but I’m going swimming!” He threw a spare pair of swim trunks in Remus’ direction and stripped off his own t-shirt, jeans and sandals, leaving him in just a pair of red swim trunks and a clear path to the water._

 

_Remus smiled fondly at his friend and pushed his morose feelings away in favor of the chance to spend a fun day with Sirius. He had already spent four weeks dwelling on the incident in the 7 th floor corridor, and no doubt the next eight weeks would be filled with much of the same, but for today at least, he could have a good time._

 

_***_

 

_Hours later, when they dragged their happy but exhausted bodies out of the lake, they collapsed onto a blanket Sirius had brought. It was soft and warm against their cool damp skin, and they cuddled together unconsciously as the sun began to set._

 

_Eventually, though, their day had to end. Sirius tried to rouse his friend to no avail, as Remus was sleeping soundly for the first time all summer, forcing Sirius to lift him gently and carry him to the car. Placing Remus carefully in the passenger seat, he returned to the beach to gather their clothes and belongings to toss in the backseat, before he slid behind the wheel._

 

_As the wheels kicked up small rocks and loose sand, Remus’ sleeping body shifted close to Sirius, coming to rest with his head on Sirius’ shoulder and one hand lying on the dark-haired boy’s thigh, grasping lightly at the smooth material of his swim trunks._

 

_Sirius sighed with contentment, shifting until he had one arm wrapped around the smaller boy’s shoulders and the other hand on the wheel, steering them carefully towards home._

***


End file.
